Steady Mom

what to do when parenting changes your personality

Has parenting changed your personality?

It certainly altered mine.

Through my early years of parenting, I discovered new things about myself. I began to fully understand that I was both an introvert and a highly sensitive person.

Motherhood became my catalyst to knowing myself on a whole new level.

This was often through being pushed to the edges of my limits (and beyond) in sleep, energy, and what I felt I had to offer my children. 

These discoveries led to practical realities that still have a place in our home: the centering way we structure our homeschool day, the way I made rest a priority (what was once called rest time is now afternoon study time), the choice to say no to many activities and yes to a select few.

Along the way, I began to find out about my kids' personalities as well--the ways in which they blended and diverged from my own. It's one thing trying to understand yourself; it's a whole different ballgame to understand three others plus your spouse.

If I could boil my advice in this regard down to one tip, it would be this: 

Be who your child needs you to be.

I tend to want to relate to my kids as friends, still as the authority figure, but mostly in a "can't we all just get along" sort of way. I don't naturally gravitate toward conflict and find it draining.

Most of the time this works well, and I think it honors my children as individuals.

But I have one child in particular, who doesn't respond as well to this approach. One child who actually needs me to be (when called for) stern, extra firm, clearly the one in charge.

The gentle parenting websites and books don't speak to this as much. I never could have predicted it myself and it has stretched me in ways I never thought possible.

Which is perhaps a very good thing. 

Parenting isn't convenient, and it isn't all about us. There is no "one size fits all" technique or formula to use.

But when challenging situations arise, take a deep breath and a moment to consider: "Who does my child need me to be right now?"

The answer may surprise you.

When it comes to motherhood, follow the books and websites less and your heart more. Even when it means that parenting changes your personality.

"Understanding others' personality type allows you to see that their behavior
is only very rarely about you."
~ The Enneagram Institute

5 tips for enjoying the holidays as a highly sensitive parent

It struck me like a happy bolt of lightning when I recently discovered that I am a highly sensitive person:

"A highly sensitive person is someone who’s more sensitive to physical and/or emotional stimuli than the general population. They have sensitive nervous systems, are more attuned to subtleties in their surroundings, and are more easily overwhelmed by highly stimulating environments. Interacting with people drains introverts; sensory input — sights, smells, sounds, emotional stimulation — drains highly sensitive people."
~ Anne Bogel, Self-care for the highly sensitive parent

So much of my life, personality, and nature made sense through this lens. Not only that, I could see the strengths it has given me--compassion, intuition, knowing how to make others comfortable, etc--rather than view these qualities as weaknesses. (Find out if you are an HSP here.)

The holidays can be an overstimulating time for anyone, but if you're a highly sensitive person (or have a highly sensitive child) this time of year's extra stimulations can swing you to the extremes of positive or negative fairly easily.

Here are a few suggestions to keep an even pace over the next month:

1. Online shopping - the only way to go.

I've finished nearly all my Christmas shopping, without ever stepping into a store. With the influx of crowds, noise, and just stuff in brick-and-mortar shops, I consider online shopping after the kids go to bed an absolute Godsend. 

I need to go to one physical store to get stocking stuffers, but I'll coordinate that wisely so I can be in and out at a less busy time of day.

the season's first snow angel!

2. Think carefully about your travel schedule.

Being stuck in traffic at the "most wonderful time of the year" may be a struggle for a highly sensitive person. Steve and I made a decision years ago that since neither of our families live nearby, we would stay home during the holidays and choose other, less hectic seasons to travel.

This Thanksgiving we spent on our own as a family, and it was perfect--so relaxing! Then we went to a friend's home for dessert.

If you have to or want to travel, keep your sensitivity in mind as you plan. Can you go extra early and avoid the rush? Can you make sure you're not traveling back to back days on end? Also keep in mind that, as a highly sensitive person, you'll need "recovery time" when you reach your destination.

3. Pay attention to your senses and make the most of them.

Highly sensitive individuals have a heightened nervous system, and therefore heightened senses. Just knowing this encourages you to pay attention to what you like and dislike during the holiday season when it comes to sounds, smells, and tastes.

I've always wondered why I don't enjoy having Christmas music on in the background at home with the kids.

Now I understand the answer: children noise + music = too loud and chaotic! So we mainly listen to music in the van together, when we can really enjoy it and not have it as extra background noise.

4. Think carefully about sugar--for you and the kids.  

I love sweets, but I can't take an overload of sugar straight from Halloween through to the New Year (like our culture seems to encourage) without it affecting me. I can handle a day or two of pie (yes, please!), but then we need to get back to normal.

This year I'm opting out of most pre-holiday baking. We'll have our Christmas day traditions: homemade cinnamon rolls, chocolate pecan pie, but not a continual stream of cookies and candies beforehand. This feels like the right balance to keep my nervous system (& that of my little people) where they need to be.

5. Gratitude, always gratitude.

As a highly sensitive parent, your nerves tend to ride the waves of the moment. You can go from a sweet hug with a child early in the day to their full-blown screaming tantrum later. The tantrum will impact you more, and for much longer.

Finding a way to remember the special times in the midst of the crazies of parenting will help you stay stable in those nervous system-hijacking moments. 

As a writer I find that I'm able to remember and give thanks better with a pen in hand. No matter what goes wrong this holiday season, there are things going right. Intentionally focusing on the latter will enable us to handle the former with a bit more grace and patience.

Enjoy your highly sensitive holiday this year!

"We are forced to make choices and set priorities, but being very conscientious, HSPs often put themselves last. Or at least we give ourselves no more time off or opportunity to learn new skills than anyone else. In fact, however, we need more."
~ Elaine Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

 

dear mom of "that" kid

Dear mom of "that" kid,

You know who you are. 

The other kids stay on the felt squares for story time--yours scampers away.

The others try plenty of new foods. You can barely get yours to eat at all.

The other kids laugh at the birthday party clown. Your kid runs and screams.

The others outgrew tantrums long ago--yours still has them daily.

The other kids skip into preschool, while your child leaves marks on your hand from her death grip.

None of the other moms at the playground chitchat about these issues. So it must just be you.

That inner, insecure voice accuses and puts you on trial. Condemns right inside your own head.

But dearest mom of "that" kid, I have a different message for you today:

You are valuable, vulnerable, chosen. YOU CAN DO THIS.

It isn't about your successful efforts--it's about your faithfulness.

Whether that means doing what needs to be done, or calling a friend in tears. Texting your husband a crazed "can you come home" message or matching your child's shouts with your own in a desperate moment...and saying sorry later.

Mom of "that" kid, there's no way you're going to get this right. Because there's no one way TO get it right.

But you are going to be there. You are going to stay. And that simple act of courage, again and again, will speak volumes over the years and decades ahead. 

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. Your child's going to be okay.

Dear mom of "that" kid,

You know who you are. And I do too.

You are: precious, freed from the need to be perfect, giving your personal best.

You are a wonderful mother, and I believe in you.

With love from

Jamie, another mom of "that" kid

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing it wrong.”
~ Donna Ball

have the hard conversations

It was the end of a looonnnng, challenging day. But it wasn't over yet.

Even though bedtime had come and gone I still had a child next to me, downstairs when they shouldn't be.

Then I heard the question - the one that choked my soul on the inside:

"Mommy, sometimes do you not want to be with me? Because sometimes I feel like you don't want me with you."

My heart plunged in my chest at the words--ones that I knew were true.

I stammered out a few sentences about introverts and extroverts--about challenges in our day and details I found hard.

Seemingly satisfied and not completely scarred for life, this child gave me a hug and scampered up the stairs to bed. But sleep did not come so easily to me that night.

Instead I did tearful battle with regret, guilt, condemnation. My heart's deepest desire as a mother has always been to do right by my little people.

And yet the quest for perfect mothering is an impossible one. 

I won't get it all right - I won't have infinite patience - I will mess up, again and again. This realization brought me to my knees.

The next morning, when this child tiptoed into my bedroom, I put my writing aside and invited them to crawl up beside me. We snuggled and had a hard, healing conversation. I asked forgiveness; I explained (in kid language) my hopes and my struggles.

Later at the breakfast table, with all three kids together, I did the same. I brought up the topic, explained what had happened the night before.

I told them all how much they mean to me, but I also shared honestly that I don't enjoy every part of motherhood--that I find dealing with sibling bickering and arguing difficult and unpleasant.

That I need their prayers just as much as they need mine.

I'm so thankful that this child felt comfortable coming to me with such a deep, insightful observation--one I needed to hear.

We must be willing to have hard conversations together.

Because though words hurt, they also heal. In acknowledging our weakness, we somehow become strong. And find our way back to the One we need more than ever as a partner in our parenting.

"Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom."
~ Thomas Jefferson