Steady Mom

to the mama who feels like she never gets enough done (my productivity secret)

 

This Elijah boy - 10 years old! Is it possible?!

"How can you be so productive?" she asks.

I turn around to see if there's someone behind me she's speaking to.

"Me?!" I say with a nervous giggle.

"Yes, you homeschool three kids, write blogs and books, and make maple syrup! How do you get so much done?"

*******

Oh mama, sweet mama. I have the undone scattered all over my brain.

I carry around an inner voice that says "You're not doing enough!" more often than I'd like to admit. I rarely feel as though I'm keeping all the balls in the air-- a juggler who spends more time on the ground than looking up in the sky.

It's true that I have three children (who more or less function like triplets because of their ages and development), homeschool, write for two blogs, have written two books and now I'm working hard on my third. 

If that sounds productive to you, then let me pass on my secret:

I only do what's mine to do.

But that isn't as easy as it sounds, is it? When I was a new mama, I didn't know what was mine to do! I looked at the blogs, read the books, tried to knit, hated it, felt like a failure, made homemade yogurt, loved it, felt like a winner, and generally tried a lot of the things.

It takes a while to figure out who you are as a mother, who you are as a person now that you are a mother!

Often you only get there by trial and error, and that's okay. The errors don't mean you're doing something wrong; they mean you're one step closer to knowing yourself.

Amanda Soule's lovely blog was the first I ever read. Her readers would comment at times that they didn't understand how she could blog, sew, knit, farm, homeschool, and cook from scratch. Her days overflow with work from the heart, work that matters to her and her family. This isn't a productivity secret--Amanda's just doing what's hers to do. And so she thrives.

Our society has made an idol of getting things done, making that our top cultural  priority. But instead of asking "Am I doing enough?," why not ask "Am I doing what's mine?"

Here's what's mine right now: Love my kids through the ups and downs of parenting, homeschool, read, write, edit, cook, clean, be a friend to Steve.

It's a short list, but a full life. And it's enough...for me. 

Knowing what's mine in this season lets me fully concentrate without being pulled in all the directions all the time.

Busy mama who works all day and feels like you have nothing to show for it, don't compare your season of spring with another mom's season of harvest. 

Run your own race...this minute, this second. Be you unapologetically. Only do what's yours to do right now, and watch how your family, yourself, and even the world is changed because of it.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you
something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

try kindness first

The other morning found me stressed, irritable, overwhelmed. 

The reason? Everything...and nothing, rolled into one. You know how that goes, right?

A looming writing deadline, plenty of work, not enough sleep, kids and home to care for--the business (& busyness) of life.

Wandering around to gather supplies so I could head out for a morning of writing, I hurriedly grabbed laptop, power cord, research books--tears gathering in my eyes all the while.

Before I left Steve pulled me into his arms.

"Everything's going to be okay. You can do this. I love you so much. You're my favorite person."

Relief and courage overpowered my heart.

Kindness made all the difference.

But imagine if instead, the words spoken sounded more like this:

"What is wrong with you this morning? You need to get it together, or I'll give you even more work to do!"

Yet how often do we take that approach with our children? It's far easier to go straight for the consequences, isn't it?

Think back to a time when you were feeling your most fragile and vulnerable--has harshness ever helped you smooth over inner rough places?

So when she's a tad cranky at the breakfast table, I'll imagine what I would like done if it were me. I'll make a cup of tea, slide it over to her and kiss the top of her head.

Or when he can't find that teensy Lego piece in a sea of colored plastic, I'll imagine how I feel when I lose my keys or phone. Then I'll take three minutes to help him look. (We found it, fyi!)

And what about the days when it all goes to pot for the mama and kindness comes last instead? That's okay, too.

Our own imperfections play a huge role in this process--because our kids need to learn to try kindness first as well, with us! 

We teach them so much more about life through screwing up, apologizing, and attempting to learn from our mistakes than we ever could through a fruitless quest for perfection.

That's why I felt proud yesterday when a child noticed Mama's frazzled energy and said, "Can I rub your back, Mommy?"

Random acts of kindness--they can change the world. And our homes. It's the Golden Rule, not rocket science.

Consequences are sometimes required, and I don't mean to suggest otherwise.

But try kindness first. It's powerful.

"Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud." 
~ Maya Angelou

what to do when parenting changes your personality

Has parenting changed your personality?

It certainly altered mine.

Through my early years of parenting, I discovered new things about myself. I began to fully understand that I was both an introvert and a highly sensitive person.

Motherhood became my catalyst to knowing myself on a whole new level.

This was often through being pushed to the edges of my limits (and beyond) in sleep, energy, and what I felt I had to offer my children. 

These discoveries led to practical realities that still have a place in our home: the centering way we structure our homeschool day, the way I made rest a priority (what was once called rest time is now afternoon study time), the choice to say no to many activities and yes to a select few.

Along the way, I began to find out about my kids' personalities as well--the ways in which they blended and diverged from my own. It's one thing trying to understand yourself; it's a whole different ballgame to understand three others plus your spouse.

If I could boil my advice in this regard down to one tip, it would be this: 

Be who your child needs you to be.

I tend to want to relate to my kids as friends, still as the authority figure, but mostly in a "can't we all just get along" sort of way. I don't naturally gravitate toward conflict and find it draining.

Most of the time this works well, and I think it honors my children as individuals.

But I have one child in particular, who doesn't respond as well to this approach. One child who actually needs me to be (when called for) stern, extra firm, clearly the one in charge.

The gentle parenting websites and books don't speak to this as much. I never could have predicted it myself and it has stretched me in ways I never thought possible.

Which is perhaps a very good thing. 

Parenting isn't convenient, and it isn't all about us. There is no "one size fits all" technique or formula to use.

But when challenging situations arise, take a deep breath and a moment to consider: "Who does my child need me to be right now?"

The answer may surprise you.

When it comes to motherhood, follow the books and websites less and your heart more. Even when it means that parenting changes your personality.

"Understanding others' personality type allows you to see that their behavior
is only very rarely about you."
~ The Enneagram Institute

my new year's resolution: stop exercising

My two handsome wise men



What a special holiday season we had. No traveling long distances, plenty of uninterrupted hours of nothingness, and a blissful extended period of time offline.

Family and feasting, pure and simple.

And what always follows the feasting in our culture? 

The fasting--or at this time of year, the new year's resolutions. Many which typically center around fitness, exercise, and weight.

I'm not against them, and have made plenty in years past. (I have a word each year, too. For 2015 it is: MYSELF.)

But for a long time I haven't been completely at peace with my exercising status. There's that inevitable niggling voice in the head that says "You aren't doing enough. You should be _______________ (insert whatever your voice in the head condemns with!)"

Instead of trying to shush the voice, I've been sitting with it to figure out what it has to teach me. And a few weeks ago I had my epiphany: I don't like exercising; I like purposeful movement.

My model for this type of physical activity? Caroline Ingalls from Little House.

We never see Ma tell Pa and the girls, "I'll be right back after my two mile run."

Of course not! Their lives flooded over with purposeful movement--a kind that made sense to their lives, a kind that contributed to their lives. Making cheese, milking cows, walking to pick berries, kneading bread.

Purposeful movement. It fits into a busy mama's life when nothing else does.

Usually at this point someone will mention how our lives are so sedentary these days. I have no cows waiting for milking out back, after all.

That's true, but instead of looking at what I don't have, I'm looking at what I do: freedom to set my own schedule, two flights of stairs in this old farmhouse, five acres of land out back, and three children who are anything but sedentary.

I've been searching for ways to fill my days with more purposeful movement, and I've enjoyed it. I used to pile stuff on the stairs to "take up later." Instead I've been taking each thing up when I first notice it (with the added benefit of tidying up this place).

Instead of asking the kids to take the compost out or put a letter in the mailbox, I've been doing it myself. I also like taking walks--when I want to, not when the nagging voice tells me I should.

We've been taught that exercise must involve suffering. No pain, no gain. But what if looking for joyful movement can lead us to a lifelong place of health and fitness? 

I turn 39 this year. I'm no longer trying to impress anyone. I am trying to give my absolute best to those whose care I steward.

And so I'm excited to have stumbled upon one new year's resolution I can actually keep up with. 

"If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health."
~ Hippocrates