Steady Mom

on how my children can suck the life right out of me...if I let them

We sat around the dining table after dinner, in the midst of our current family read-aloud, when I reached a description of the dementors. They're creatures who feed off the positive emotions of others and literally suck the goodness right out of them:

"Dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of his powers if he is left with them too long."

Afterwards, the kids cleaned up and started their evening routine. Steve and I headed upstairs to prep for the next day, and debrief the current one, in our room.  

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just drained," I replied. "It's like the kids can suck the life right out of me. OH MY GOODNESS, like the dementors!!"

We both laughed at the fresh-in-our-minds analogy. 

Now for the record, I'm not really comparing these incredible, gifts-from-heaven that have been left in my care to the foul dementors.

And yet it does seem that sometimes they "drain me of my powers, if I am left with them too long."

We're not supposed to admit to things like this, are we? Not supposed to suggest that there might be a part of motherhood we don't especially enjoy...or that we have to protect our energy from our precious children.

But I've been a mama now for 11 years. That's not nearly long enough to know it all, and yet long enough to have given it a LOT of thought. And the longer I parent, the more firmly I believe that we have to speak about the hard parts of our journey.

Doing so is not negative. Instead it's about vulnerability and humility, the willingness to admit that we don't have it all together and that we, too, struggle.

It's about taking charge of our own mental health--because we are the only ones who can.

I've learned that my kids will take as much as I'll offer, and still demand more. Not because they're bad, just because they are developing, needy people finding their way.

It's not their job to guard Mommy's life energy and joy.

That's my job.

I have to set boundaries to keep myself sane, let them know what they are, and stick with them (even when tempted to give in). 

I have to know myself and operate within my nature (even if I sometimes don't care for what that nature is). I have to work with my strengths and weaknesses, which change from year to year (and even from moment to moment).

Otherwise I'll end up completely drained, with nothing good left to offer those I care about most. This is a lose-lose place for all of us, one I've visited from time to time. I don't recommend it. When I go there, I turn into quite the dementor myself, sucking the life out of everyone around me.

Can you see that Mama is the only one who can keep herself out of this diminishing cycle? You're the only one who knows when you start to enter it.

So guard your life force, without shame or guilt. Own your hard parts and share them with those you trust.

Get the help you need to stay at your best mentally and emotionally, even if that means taking a different path than what "everyone" seems to be doing.

No one else knows what it's like to walk in your shoes, and no one else can take your place. You're the only one cut out for the job of mothering your unique little ones, so do whatever it takes to stay in the game as a healthy you.

"We must each be what God and nature makes us. We can't change it much--
only help to develop the good and control the bad elements in us."
~ Louisa May Alcott, Jo's Boys

just in case you're thinking of having kids close in age

Just in case you're thinking of having kids close in age...

    you should know that the early years are full-on, constant, and hard.

Over the past week the kids and I decided to watch "The Martins Life" on DVD. It's our own video library, dating all the way back to when each child first joined the family.

It's our documented family history: birthdays, holidays, adoption days, vacations, and thankfully a few moments here and there when Steve or I remembered to pick up the camera and just document the ordinary.

I view scenes from eight years ago with a sense of wonder, joy, amazement, and crazy passing through my mind:

"I did that and survived?! HOW?!"

The three preschoolers in each frame are more or less the same height, weight, and shoe size. Ages 4, 3, 2. Less than 22 months separating them in age, and even less than that in developmental maturity.

A few frames later we arrive at ages 5, 4, and 3. With three littles, we seem to have three of nearly everything: three plastic cars just their size, three tricycles, then bikes.

Then there are plenty of occasions in the video when we see what happens when there isn't three of everything and the kids have to figure out how to deal with it.

Let's just say they don't always choose the most mature response. 

This is hilarious on screen: We giggle watching Elijah and Jonathan fight over a toy train, or as Trishna impatiently "waits" for her turn on the sled.

But to my recollection, that type of non-stop, day-after-day action wasn't so funny at the time. For them or me. 

The early years of having kids close in age are no picnic, that's for sure.

But that's only part of the story.

Because in case you're thinking of having kids close in age, you should also know this:

    You hit a stride and something divinely beautiful happens along the way.

Life is far from perfect here in the Martin household, still plenty of daily bickering and reminders to put others first happen here. All. the. time.

But now that my kiddos are 12, nearly 11, and 10 I can say this:

They are each other's best friends. When our learning time ends for the day, they disappear together into their "theater" (AKA the barn), where they create and rehearse shows and plays.

All goes smoothly for a while, then a conflict erupts to deal with. Slowly they're learning the signals that mean they need to take a break from each other. 

So they disappear among our five acres for a while: to the brook, the pond, to check the garden, to bang sticks, to play instruments. When they're ready, apologies are eventually made and they try again.

It's the beauty and mess of real-life relationships, happening right in the safety of my backyard. And unlike in the early years, I don't always have to be there directing the process.

In fact, sometimes I don't see them for an hour or two.

And just in case you're thinking of having kids close in age, you should keep this in mind:

    It's pretty fabulous when everyone is (more or less) interested in similar topics.

This makes homeschooling and family life smoother in many ways. We can read as a family after dinner without any toddlers interrupting, without concern as to whether or not our story is appropriate for the younger ones amongst us. 

I recently instituted a D.E.A.R. time in the mornings: Drop Everything And Read. Each of us, myself included, meets in the living room with our chosen books. We set a timer for 20 minutes and read to ourselves--all together in the same room. 

I've gotten through page after page of my current novel, a treat much more unlikely to happen mid-morning if I still had a preschool-age (or younger) child in the house. 

Those of us raising children close in age make up a unique group. We have our own struggles, our own issues to work out, our own highs, our own lows. 

So just in case you're thinking of having kids close in age, never forget this:

    You're embarking on a wild, thrilling, unpredictable adventure. Hang on for the ride of your life. 

“I beg leave to assure my honored readers that most of the incidents are taken from real life, and that the oddest are the truest; for no person, no matter how vivid an imagination he may have, can invent anything half so droll as the freaks and fancies that originate in the lively brains of little people.” 
~ Louisa May Alcott, Little Men

why traveling with your kids is worth the trouble

The plane touched down at London Heathrow Wednesday night, and on Thursday morning jet lag kicks in hard. 

"Why are we doing this again?!" I always wonder for the first few days in a substantially different time zone.

Throughout our travels with kids over the years--whether by train, plane, or automobile--I've had some interesting experiences:

I've been vomited on, rubbed a child's back while they vomited into a bag at the end of a long plane journey, listened to a child screaming for what felt like a very. long. time. in the back of the van on a road trip, and overheard so much bickering from the backseat that I'm pretty sure I've met my lifetime quota.

So why on earth do we keep going?

Here's why I travel with my kids, in spite of the trouble:

1. It takes us all out of our comfort zone...and that's a good thing.

As a highly sensitive introvert, I love routines that let me know what to predict from life. I like taking risks from a place of stability. But travel often yanks that peaceful rhythm out the window.

This teaches us flexibility. When your plane gets delayed, when you don't know what you're eating, when you hear a different language spoken, when you don't know your way around a city--these moments build inner resiliency. You face a challenge and conquer it. Or you face one and fail, and learn something new.

That resiliency easily transfers to other areas of life as our kids grow. 

2. Traveling increases empathy, compassion, and mission-mindedness.

As our kids have traveled they have seen people far less fortunate than ourselves. This has left an impact. Coming close to extreme poverty in the Philippines two years ago is something they still mention now and then: "Remember the kids who lived in those cardboard shacks we passed by?"

I try to take the opportunity to point out all we have to be grateful for in such moments, while also reminding the kids that God put us here on this earth to live in service of others. Traveling has more easily enabled us to raise kids with a mission.

3.  Traveling teaches us that there's more than one way to live well.

It's far too easy to dig a serious rut in our middle-class, American life. We start to think everyone more or less lives like we do, learns like we do, speaks like we do. Worse, we start to think ours is the BEST way to live, learn, or speak. 

This slow-growing arrogance benefits nobody, and leads to growing heartache between nations.

Seeing how others live points out creative solutions to our own problems. It reminds us that there's more than one "right" way to do things. It shows children that you don't have to be rich to be happy. 

4. We learn so, so much through our explorations.

When you travel, the world becomes your classroom. History comes alive. Just yesterday I stood in front of Winston Churchill's funeral train--reading and watching clips of the nation coming out to honor him after his death.

During this time in England we've walked on Roman walls, studied the Vikings, explored castles and stately homes, and seen the sites in London. 

What a privilege--one that more than makes up for the hassle.

 

There's no one way to make traveling work for a family. It's definitely possible to travel with very young kids, but when I had a five-, four-, and three-year-old I honestly wasn't up for it. We stayed close to home, and explored the world through other avenues back then. But now that everyone is in double digits there's no holding us back!

Don't assume that your voyage has to be a global extravaganza, either. Trust me, a sense of adventure thrives just as much with a one hour drive up the road and a packed lunch box on the seat beside you. I know, because that's exactly how my dad nurtured my love for travel many, many weekends over the course of my life.

So please, as the warm days stretch ahead of you this summer, go somewhere--anywhere! It will definitely be exhausting, but it will also be unforgettable--for both you and your children.

"Life is stressful and life is wonderful. There is no contradiction here."
~ Laura Vanderkam, I Know How She Does It

how not reading the news has made me a better mother

A few of this week's headlines:

* Pakistan plane hijackers hanged.
* Boko Haram hacks 10 to death.
* Malaysia exhumes mass migrant graves
* Investing in adultery: Is infidelity a billion dollar business?

Not a very uplifting start to the day, are they?

Motherhood changed everything about the news for me. Pre-kids and pre-Internet, I occasionally watched Tom Brokaw or read the newspaper's headline stories. 

Getting overly engrossed in current world events unsettled me, but a bit here and there felt okay.

Then came those three babes of mine. On top of the transition to every corner of my existence, those daily headlines (the ones now so prominent in our virtual lives) took on a different meaning. 

Those words of darkness and fear represented my kids' future world--their global inheritance. It was all too much for this fragile new mama to take in.

Yet wasn't it my duty as a citizen to stay well-informed? I wrestled with the question.

Parenting began to teach me so much about myself as well. Slowly, through the years nurturing infants, toddlers, and preschoolers, I began to understand myself as an introvert and a highly sensitive person. 

And when I took the Strengthsfinder test two years ago, the lightbulb came completely on. My top strength? Empathy. My second? Connectedness.

Now my struggles with those overwhelming headlines made sense! As someone whose top strengths are empathy and connectedness, I literally feel in my body the bad news I see or read. It feels like "my story"--like it's happening to me.

This is a powerful gift if and when I'm actually called to do something about it--like our family's work against child trafficking, our choice to adopt, and my writing, but it's fruitless and dark when it comes to reading a host of bad news just to keep up with it.

And when tragedy came right to our streets...did I miss finding out? No, when it really mattered to my life and those of my neighbors...I didn't need the news to tell me. A neighbor called.

All of this begs the question: Who decides what's news, anyway? 

Is the press honestly trying to convince us that only bad stuff fits the definition of the word? That our world, with all its challenges, isn't also overflowing with good things? 

Letting go of all that has made me a better mom. I want my children to know that the challenges of this life, with God's help, are not too much for them. That they have been chosen for this moment in history to do good, to leave a legacy.

I want to convince them that this world is covered with the beauty of God's fingerprints. 

I can only do that if I'm convinced myself. 

Am I saying that you shouldn't read the news either? Not at all. But I am saying this:

Know yourself...and do what you need to do to make yourself the best mom you can be. Embrace what you need to embrace, release what you need to release--even if our culture or society as a whole is doing the complete opposite. 

Let peace guard your heart as a mom, so it can spill over and stand strong in the hearts of your little people.

“If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed.
If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.”
~ Mark Twain