Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt
Written by Steady Mom contributor Megan of SortaCrunchy
When Jamie shared Positive Discipline: 5 Gentle (Yet Effective) Tips, I found myself nodding furiously in agreement. So many of her approaches to positive discipline closely mirror what we do! It's always encouraging to hear what other like-minded families are implementing in the realm of discipline.
I'm certainly no parenting expert (our oldest child is only six), but one thing I have heard from others and found to be true is that implementing positive discipline is the most difficult in the toddler years. Actually, I think no matter what approach to discipline you take, the toddler years can be the most difficult! Yet I've discovered that consistent, intentional teaching during this stage of life yields wonderful rewards as those little ones grow into Big Kids.
Thinking back on the strategies that I found to be the most helpful, I'm reminded of a concept I learned long ago in some mostly-forgotten pedagogy class in college: Young children think and operate in the world of the concrete; their brains are not mature enough to process that which is abstract.
This is crucial to teaching toddlers! Instructions such as "please behave" and "be nice" are lost on them. They take in the world through the five senses, and their understanding of the world around them is often filtered through what they see modeled for them, rather than what is said to them.
When my daughters were toddlers, this concept translated to positive discipline in ways that looked like this:
1. Use simple instructions.
There is a time and place for exposing little ones to the wonders and beauty of the language you speak at home. However, when it comes to giving instructions, it's best to keep it simple. Very simple.
A toddler's brain isn't ready to process detailed instructions, and it's certainly not ready to process the philosophy/explanation behind those instructions. So rather than, "Please don't touch the oven door, you could get burned and it will hurt and you will cry," it's better to go with something like, "Danger! Ouch!"
To make an instruction like this even more concrete, try learning sign language that corresponds with the words you are using. I learned the sign for "hot" and used it often to remind my daughters not to touch any part of the oven or stove.
2. Demonstrate better choices.
From time to time, when one of my daughters hit someone else, I had to fight the urge to scold and yell. Rather than launching into a lecture on why hitting was not allowed, I kept it simple by responding with the same script: "Hitting hurts. Use gentle touches." I would then take her little hand and place it gently on my face or on the child who had been hit.
We need to be experts not only in correcting negative behaviors but also in modeling desired behaviors. Whenever possible, we should find ways to show those desired behaviors in a concrete way.
Photo by imcountingufoz
3. Make your words mean something.
Unless you are blessed with an incredibly compliant toddler (I'm told these angelic beings do exist, though I've not experienced it myself), it is rarely enough to give verbal instructions. Teaching toddlers means being ready to move and make compliance happen.
For example, we have some lamps with lovely strings of beads hanging off of the edge of the lampshade. You can imagine that they are an irresistible temptation to most any little one. When the temptation couldn't be resisted, I could sometimes just say, "No touch!" but more often than not, it was "No touch!" and then getting up and moving them away from the lamp and redirecting back to a child-appropriate toy or activity.
I had to remember time and again that my daughters needed to be taught that Mommy's instructions meant something, and this required follow-through from me.
4. Never underestimate the power of physical proximity.
Toddlerhood is an incredible time of exploration and learning for our children. The newly discovered wonders of mobility combined with an insatiable curiosity compels little ones to move ever further into independence. All of this freedom can sometimes be scary or unsettling for toddlers.
I tried to keep my little ones close by during this stage, partly because it ensured I would be able to enforce boundaries, but also just to be a reassuring presence. Every day brings new discoveries to the toddler mind, and all of that learning leaves them looking for a constant. A parent close by is often a wonderful, concrete reminder that even as they are out exploring, they are still safe.
Parenting a toddler is incredibly intensive work. Most days, you feel more like an exhausted zoo keeper rather than a kind, detached policeman. Sometimes it seems like the days of constant teaching and correcting and more teaching and more correcting will never end.
But we all know that this stage will give way to the next and then there will be a new challenge for a new day. In the meantime we have the blessing of the toddler years, that time when they are so ready and eager to learn, to truly teach our children in ways that are meaningful, compassionate, and effective.
*What's been your biggest challenge in parenting a toddler? What have you found works best when it comes to positive discipline?*
Megan spends her days with her two daughters and husband seeking the steady amidst the endless activity. She blogs at SortaCrunchy, where she leads a community of like-minded people in discussion and dialogue at the intersection of faith and a life more natural.