Steady Mom

honoring his story

I stood in the African shade trembling--not only from heat, but nervousness too.

They passed you to me and I sobbed while you stared, wide-eyed. Most of the other babies and their new papas and mamas bonded, played, and slept.

Not us.

20 minutes later the vomiting started, and fear rushed through me like the passing ocean waves outside the orphanage door. And that night alone in a 3rd world country I had no clue how this story would end.

Now I do.

********

It ends with a expedited return flight home from Liberia.

With a frightening hospital trip back in the States.

It ends with you adding chubby baby rolls to those protruding ribs.

With you growing healthier (finally!), smiling baby grins and holding out baby arms to me.

God gave us a happy ending.

********

Yesterday you turned eight. Eight!

As you grow, you fit your names more and more:

Elijah: Jehovah is my God. (Your prophetic, serious side.)

Kondwani: Joyful (Your dimpled smile, positive side)

Martin: You belong right here with us, my boy.

********

I honor your story, Elijah.

I honor the one who made the hardest sacrifice out of hope and love for you--your birthmother.

And I honor the One who answered her prayers (& our own) and led us from a world away to walk life's journey together.

Happy birthday, my son.

"We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.
But those who make their journey home across time & miles,
growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,
are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us
by God's very own hands."
~ Kristi Larson

i'm okay, you're okay

"Thank you so much for telling me that I'm okay."

I was humbled and blown away to hear a variation on these words several times after speaking at last weekend's Great Homeschool Convention in Cincinnati.

I know the fear well myself--the fear that perhaps I'm not okay, not enough. That I can't do this motherhood gig well, that I can't do this homeschooling gig well. That perhaps I need to hand the job over to someone else.

On top of the two sessions I spoke at, I had the opportunity to sit in on several others. Many fabulous speakers delivered their personal messages, and as I listened two facts struck me:

- none of them were perfect
- God was using them anyway

I never paid much attention before at conventions to the logistics behind a speaker--the technology challenges that sometimes occur in the middle of a presentation, the stumbling over a few words on the way to a point. These amazing men and women stood up to share their hearts and those in the room were able to receive, to be inspired, to change.

I felt encouraged by this as I sat in their sessions, knowing my turn was coming up soon. I didn't have to be perfect to reach listeners. I was okay just as I am.

What I learned as a speaker is true, too, for you as a mother.

We're not perfect mamas, and we don't have to be! What freedom to stumble upon, to understand deep inside where the lie of insecurity tries to take root and grow.

Maybe you shouted at your kids yesterday, really wanted a nap instead of a Lego play session on the floor, or left the laundry unfolded.

We don't have to be perfect for God to use us. We just have to keep showing up.

Apologize for the shouting, take the nap now and agree to play later, get to the laundry tomorrow. (It will still be there, you know.)

God is using us to shape, influence, and teach little lives, and He makes it a practice to take meager efforts and transform them into the miraculous if they're offered in faith.

Lay aside the struggle to be the perfect mom. When we struggle, we can't relax. When we relax, we find we're already good enough.

"Perfectionism is like a monster with hundreds of tentacles and it reaches into every part of our lives and holds on till we can find it and rip it out. The perfectionism monster makes us obsess and do too much as well as procrastinate and do nothing."
~ Marla Cilley, Flylady

on comfort zones & stepping out of them

Meet Ollie & Owen--Elijah's giraffe slippers from Happy Feet!

If you're at all like me, motherhood has stretched you beyond your wildest imagination. Comfort zones? What are they again? With that first babe placed in our arms, we step out.

No matter how many parenting books we've read, when that little one starts to scream a visceral wave rushes over us delivering this message, "You have no idea what you're doing."

Yet we dare to do it anyway. Somehow we keep going and over time develop a rhythm that makes us think maybe our world has not actually come crashing down. It's working--we're really doing this, and it doesn't seem like we're screwing up too much!

But when we get comfortable with one phase, I've found that a new one lies in wait right around the corner. I've gradually come to believe that stepping out of comfort zones is a way of life we should be living. The way we keep from becoming stale and losing steam--the way we remember "this isn't all about me, but about something bigger."

It's not solely in motherhood where this happens, it may involve:

• going back to work after having a baby
• staying home full-time after having a baby
• looking for a job
• moving to a new house
• pushing 'publish' on that first blog post
• choosing to home educate
• writing the first words of that novel
• trying to meet new friends in a new location

As those babes get bigger, they start to watch us step out. This is scary stuff. Succeed or fail, we now have an audience.

I've been thinking about this lately because it's my turn to step out. Next week I fly to Ohio for my first speaking engagement at a national conference. How I feel about this opportunity depends on when you ask me. Most of the time I'm excited with just the right amount of nerves mixed in to keep it interesting.

But every once in a while fear rushes in like a bully to say "Why on earth did you agree to this?!"

Guess what? Fear or no fear, I'm stepping out anyway. (And I'd appreciate your prayers next week.) Trusting God to fill me with words of courage and inspiration.

Would you join me in daring to live beyond our comfort zones? Let God take you to places beyond what you've ever imagined (this may or may not include Ohio! ;).

“If we stay where we are, where we're stuck, where we're comfortable and safe, we die there... When nothing new can get in, that's death.”
~ Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers

so it turns out i'm not lazy after all

I've sometimes wondered if perhaps I'm just a little lazy. Have you ever had this thought? In the past eight years of motherhood, I've wondered "surely I could get more done around here if I had more energy, worked harder, put more into it..."

And yet, as mothers often feel, there doesn't always seem to be a ton at the end of the day to put on display in spite of all our efforts.

If it sounds strange to you that I feel this way, it's due to the power of the blogosphere, which gives a slightly slanted view of my life. This magical blogging wand waved over me tells you that

• Jamie writes and edits two blogs
• She's written two books in the past five years, with another on the way
• She makes maple syrup, bakes with her kids, homeschools them, and lives a picturesque life.

All those things are true, and yet. What I've found out is that it doesn't matter if you accomplish much or little, that voice in our head will tell you it is NOT ENOUGH.

Last week I was away from my family for five entire days, something I've only ever done once before. There was no laundry to do, no children to care for, no meals to make. My only obligation was to show up for the (fabulous) meals that were served, and to write.

Ah-ha--here was a perfect chance to test once and for all and see if I really am lazy deep-down. Nobody was there to lord over me; there were no deadlines to meet, no real urgency to my work. Only a few thoughts written down on paper and me, myself.

In theory, I could easily have spent the time mostly in bed, reading novels, taking naps, and watching Netflix.

But I didn't! Well, I did all of those things (in moderation), but I did so much else besides. I found myself wanting to write, to research, to edit, to do what I had come there to do. I found that I had plenty of time to do that, as well as take a nap, take a walk, eat good food, and read good books. In fact, I even found myself not completely exhausted by 7:30 most nights!

My point in mentioning this isn't to pat myself on the back about all that I accomplished, but to tell you my takeaway that applies to you as well:

Moms work really, really hard. Without a lot to show for it.

We're not lazy, mamas, just because we can't bulletpoint and categorize our work at the end of the day. In fact we're investing in the unseen, the spirits and souls of our children. And that work is of world-changing importance. So let's keep doing it.

"To nourish children and raise them against odds is any time, any place,
more valuable than to fix bolts in cars or design nuclear weapons."
~ Marilyn French

morning :: noon :: night

morning:

noon:

night:

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”
~ Henry David Thoreau